The clitoris is used for only one thing: Sexual pleasure. How’s that for intelligent design?
Good
sex is good for you. Like all exercise, it helps you destress, lowers your
blood pressure and risk of heart disease, and stimulates your immune system.
The endorphins released during sex and orgasm can help diminish pain and
enhance blood flow to the genitals, preventing vaginal atrophy, the thinning of
the tissues of the vaginal wall that can accompany menopause. Remember the
senile vagina? This is one reason why many gynecologists remind their older
patients to use it or lose it.
Nearly
all animals have sex for procreation only; they mate only when fertile, and
then usually from behind. Remember, humans and bonobos, who have sex for other
reasons, have vaginas tilted to accommodate face-to-face sex. In our species,
sex is not only for creating life. It is a means of communication, a reflection
of our relationships, a sign and measure of intimacy. And sex has a tremendous
impact on our moods: good sex can calm you down or elate you, and it can
enhance your self esteem.
A
BODY BUILT FOR PLEASURE
As
you may have noticed, men have all their stuff easily visible and accessible on
the outside of their bodies. Women, sly creatures that we are, hide our
erectile tissue inside our bodies. Let me be clear: the primary sex organ of a
woman is the clitoris, not the vagina, which is the birth canal. The word phallus refers
to both the external portion of the clitoris and the penis. During the arousal
stage, when stimulated, a woman’s erectile tissue fills with blood just like
the tissue of the penis. We get erections, too, but, inevitably, wetness is how
our arousal is measured and described in research and in porn.
The
glans of the clitoris, replete with eight thousand nerve endings, is the most
intensely innervated and sensitive part of a woman’s body. Unlike the penis,
used for expelling waste as well as DNA, the clitoris is used only for one
thing: sexual pleasure. How’s that for intelligent design? As for gender
equality, our erectile tissue is nearly the same size as a man’s. That little
nub of the clitoris called the glans, visible under its protective hood, is
just the tip of the iceberg. There is a large area of sensitive tissue right
behind the glans called the clitoral body, or root, and there are extensions
(called vestibular bulbs and legs) that course outward and down, like a
fishbone, to circle the vagina and urethra inside the body, measuring between
nine and eleven centimeters in total. To fully appreciate your sexual
potential, you need to familiarize yourself with your clitoris. You need to
become clitorate. I’d love us all to educate one another about the relatively
new discovery of the 3-D anatomy of the clitoris. Spread clitoracy! (Thanks to
artist Sophia Wallace for this great word.)
For
sex to be good, we need to tackle the shame and discomfort we have with our
bodies. We worry that our inner labial lips are too large or lopsided, that our
clitoris is too small or hard to find, and that we smell bad or taste funny.
Fully seeing and accepting your unique genitals as beautiful and perfect in
their imperfection is crucial to relaxing and receiving sexual pleasure. Many
sex therapists recommend you sit in a well-lit place with a hands-free mirror
to examine and learn to appreciate all the beauty that is you down there. And
if your partner isn’t complimentary and verbally appreciative of your glory,
tell him (or her) to get with the program. Not only should he put you at ease
about your taste, smell, and appearance, but he also should assure you that he
is in no hurry and will do everything it takes, and wait as long as required,
for you to fully experience waves of intensifying sexual pleasure that
crescendo in sublime spasms of release. This is your birthright, and I want you
to exercise it.
Being
fully present in your body and breathing deeply through your nose will go a
long way toward helping you reach orgasm. Focus on your bodily sensations and
what feels good to you instead of worrying about how you look, whether you’re
taking too long, and what your partner is thinking. Many women have a hard time
receiving pleasure. When it comes to sex, we need to fight the urge to give.
Sometimes being a little bit selfish is just what sex requires. Consider
adopting the practice of orgasmic meditation, which cultivates attention to
sensation and gives you permission only to receive.
DIFFERENT
KINDS OF ORGASMS
So
what is an orgasm, exactly? Muscle tension and pelvic engorgement build to a
release of between five and fifteen rhythmic involuntary contractions of the
uterus, outer third of the vagina, PC muscle, and anal sphincter. The first few
contractions are stronger and closer together, becoming further apart, shorter,
and weaker as the orgasm peters out.
The
pleasure of an orgasm can stay localized to the genital area, which is more
typical, or it can spread through your entire body. (Tantric sex practices
focus on whole-body orgasms by taking much more time to build up, incorporating
deep breathing, relaxation, and focus.) Arousal creates blood pooling in the
genitals, and an orgasm expels blood and tension from all the pelvic organs,
which returns the body to its original, nonaroused state, called resolution.
The
cigar- and cocaine-loving psychiatrist Sigmund Freud had the idea that orgasms
arising in the clitoris were immature and that a better adjusted woman would
climax from vaginal stimulation alone. Thus the idea of the vaginal orgasm was
born. But Freud was a thirty-year-old virgin with a complete lack of
intercourse experience when he came up with this theory. Masters and Johnson
determined that all orgasms result from clitoral stimulation, and Betty Dodson
agrees. However, there are still those sex researchers who believe in different
types of orgasms arising from different forms of stimulation. Dr. Berman refers
to a “pelvic floor” orgasm arising from stimulation of the G-spot, for example.
All
sorts of stimulation can lead to an orgasm. There are women who can reach
orgasm without clitoral involvement. There are reports of people climaxing from
stimulating just about every erogenous zone imaginable; even toe sucking can
bring some women over the edge. Certain paralyzed women can orgasm even after
their spinal cord has been severed. Some women can climax from nipple
stimulation alone, and other women can orgasm simply from thinking about their
breasts or genitals being touched. Masters and Johnson found no subjects who
could fantasize themselves to orgasm, but the Kinsey study put the rate of
spontaneous orgasms (with no physical stimulation) at 2 percent in women. Did
you ever wake up in the middle of a dream and realize you just came? Plenty of
women have these “wet dreams.” Two researchers put the number at exactly 37
percent. Nocturnal orgasms are related to “neurosis” or anxiety, meaning if
you’re really stressed out, your brain might be trying to do what it can to
give you a short, calming orgasmic vacation.
Multiple
orgasms are more accurately called serial orgasms. For many of us, after climax
the clitoris is extremely sensitive and “off limits.” This is the refractory
period and is more definitive in men than in women. But if your partner
continues to stimulate other erogenous zones and works his or her way back to
the clitoris before things settle down too much, there are more aftershocks to
be had. By contracting and relaxing the PC muscle, focusing on deep breathing,
and rocking the pelvis back and forth, it is possible to move your way toward
another set of sexual spasms.
Sex
is a natural antidepressant, and the reasons why good sex makes us feel good
are emotional just as much as they are physical. Being unified with your lover,
enjoying space and time as one, can be a powerful spiritual experience.
Chemistry is great for starters and may even carry you for the long haul of a
committed relationship, but the depths of intimacy are endless. The path of
creating closeness and safety has a big payoff. Receiving the loving attention
of another helps you to love and accept yourself.
By
Julie Holland
