Why I Finally Left The Man I Thought I'd Marry

 

Committed to loving myself, I did what was best and healthier for myself.

At the ripe old age of 30, I saw him while working out at the gym. He was blond, 6' 1" tall, good-looking, and in great shape. Our eyes met across the room several times and instead of giving him an inviting glance, I looked away. I felt awkward and nervous, and my confidence faltered.

He came over and I learned he had just moved to Kansas City. At that point, I'd been living in Kansas City for almost 4 years and dated guys, but hadn't met one I was in love with. We clicked instantly and started spending most of our time together. He was new to the area and didn't know anyone, and we fell into an instant relationship. It truly felt like I was living the dream.

Six months after we met, my job promoted me and I relocated to southern California. My excitement about moving back home to live near my family and friends was even greater when he decided to move with me. I felt excited for him to meet my family and friends since I thought he was the one I would marry. Little did I know this one critical move would stress me out for years to come. Like most beginnings, things were magical. When things are magical, it's easy to overlook the subtle yet critical things that matter.

Here is why I finally left the man I thought I'd marry:

1. I became stuck "in-between" while living with my parents

We stayed with my parents while looking for our own place. One month turned into 6 months and during those months, he would tell my parents to keep the noise down, saying it was bothering me when it was bothering him. Although my parents showed concern for me, they never said anything bad about him. They even loaned him their car so he wouldn't have to buy his own.

Because unhappiness set in for him soon after our move, he made molehills into mountains. Small things set him off and caused his mood to sour. He didn't know anyone in southern California and was unhappy about the kind of people he was meeting. He was rude to my friends on the phone at times, and his dislike for traffic limited where we went.

These unsettling feelings sat in the pit of my stomach from being caught in between him, his unhappiness, and my parents. I either dismissed those feelings or talked myself into being more understanding because I thought love is innately hard and requires us to make sacrifices. After all, he made a sacrifice by quitting his job and moving with me.

A study of intimacy, communication, and aggressive behaviors in the Journal of Personal Relationships shows how things aren't perfect in the middle stages of most relationships. During this time it's especially important to listen closely to your intuition.

2. Things turned for the worse when we started living on our own

Six months later when we moved into our place, I believed things would go back to being magical like they were in the beginning. They never did.

I wanted to feel optimistic about us and believe we were going to marry. There were moments of happiness interspersed with long periods of uncertainty, confusion, and stress. These moments, optimism, and fears about getting older and having to start over kept me staying 4 years too long. I felt like I was a subject in a study about settling for less out of fear of being single published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

If I was self-aware, self-confident, and courageous, our 5-year relationship would have lasted a year. Instead, I let so many things keep me stuck, beliefs about love being hard and sacrificing myself, fears about not finding anyone else, overthinking things, guilt, responsibility for his happiness, etc.

The time finally came when I just knew it was over. When I finally decided to break up with him, those unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach dissipated and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The angst that filled me from sacrificing so many parts of myself made way to begin knowing myself.

When I knew it was over and decided to end things, I still felt angst and great sadness. The difference? I was more committed to loving myself by doing what was best and healthier for me. Most endings are painful, that's why we call them the end. Yet, endings also lead to new and wonderful beginnings.

3. From new beginnings, I found the courage to leave

A year after our relationship ended, he contacted me and apologized for the way he was in our relationship. He said he wanted to marry me if I still wanted to get married. It's ironic how the words I most wanted to hear from him back then were words I no longer wanted to hear.

For years, I was critical of myself for being in a 5-year relationship that shouldn't have lasted so long. I had to remember my self-compassion to balance out my self-blame, similar to the findings from a study published in the Journal of Self and Identity. I wondered why I wasn't able to find the courage to break up sooner when the signs to leave were there.

Then, I remembered this quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow," by Mary Anne Radmacher. That is how I finally found the courage to leave. 

If you know you should leave and are finding it difficult, remain patient and compassionate with yourself. You ended up here because you were courageous enough to put yourself out there in the name of love. But, when you have had enough, you will know. When you know, you'll have the courage to leave. If you're feeling stuck in a relationship and know you should leave, what is one thing you can start doing?

 

Janet Ong Zimmerman