Why I Finally Left The Man I Thought I'd Marry

 

Committed to loving myself, I did what was best and healthier for myself.

At the ripe old age of 30, I saw him while working out at the gym. He was blond, 6' 1" tall, good-looking, and in great shape. Our eyes met across the room several times and instead of giving him an inviting glance, I looked away. I felt awkward and nervous, and my confidence faltered.

He came over and I learned he had just moved to Kansas City. At that point, I'd been living in Kansas City for almost 4 years and dated guys, but hadn't met one I was in love with. We clicked instantly and started spending most of our time together. He was new to the area and didn't know anyone, and we fell into an instant relationship. It truly felt like I was living the dream.

Six months after we met, my job promoted me and I relocated to southern California. My excitement about moving back home to live near my family and friends was even greater when he decided to move with me. I felt excited for him to meet my family and friends since I thought he was the one I would marry. Little did I know this one critical move would stress me out for years to come. Like most beginnings, things were magical. When things are magical, it's easy to overlook the subtle yet critical things that matter.

Here is why I finally left the man I thought I'd marry:

1. I became stuck "in-between" while living with my parents

We stayed with my parents while looking for our own place. One month turned into 6 months and during those months, he would tell my parents to keep the noise down, saying it was bothering me when it was bothering him. Although my parents showed concern for me, they never said anything bad about him. They even loaned him their car so he wouldn't have to buy his own.

Because unhappiness set in for him soon after our move, he made molehills into mountains. Small things set him off and caused his mood to sour. He didn't know anyone in southern California and was unhappy about the kind of people he was meeting. He was rude to my friends on the phone at times, and his dislike for traffic limited where we went.

These unsettling feelings sat in the pit of my stomach from being caught in between him, his unhappiness, and my parents. I either dismissed those feelings or talked myself into being more understanding because I thought love is innately hard and requires us to make sacrifices. After all, he made a sacrifice by quitting his job and moving with me.

A study of intimacy, communication, and aggressive behaviors in the Journal of Personal Relationships shows how things aren't perfect in the middle stages of most relationships. During this time it's especially important to listen closely to your intuition.

2. Things turned for the worse when we started living on our own

Six months later when we moved into our place, I believed things would go back to being magical like they were in the beginning. They never did.

I wanted to feel optimistic about us and believe we were going to marry. There were moments of happiness interspersed with long periods of uncertainty, confusion, and stress. These moments, optimism, and fears about getting older and having to start over kept me staying 4 years too long. I felt like I was a subject in a study about settling for less out of fear of being single published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

If I was self-aware, self-confident, and courageous, our 5-year relationship would have lasted a year. Instead, I let so many things keep me stuck, beliefs about love being hard and sacrificing myself, fears about not finding anyone else, overthinking things, guilt, responsibility for his happiness, etc.

The time finally came when I just knew it was over. When I finally decided to break up with him, those unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach dissipated and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The angst that filled me from sacrificing so many parts of myself made way to begin knowing myself.

When I knew it was over and decided to end things, I still felt angst and great sadness. The difference? I was more committed to loving myself by doing what was best and healthier for me. Most endings are painful, that's why we call them the end. Yet, endings also lead to new and wonderful beginnings.

3. From new beginnings, I found the courage to leave

A year after our relationship ended, he contacted me and apologized for the way he was in our relationship. He said he wanted to marry me if I still wanted to get married. It's ironic how the words I most wanted to hear from him back then were words I no longer wanted to hear.

For years, I was critical of myself for being in a 5-year relationship that shouldn't have lasted so long. I had to remember my self-compassion to balance out my self-blame, similar to the findings from a study published in the Journal of Self and Identity. I wondered why I wasn't able to find the courage to break up sooner when the signs to leave were there.

Then, I remembered this quote: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow," by Mary Anne Radmacher. That is how I finally found the courage to leave. 

If you know you should leave and are finding it difficult, remain patient and compassionate with yourself. You ended up here because you were courageous enough to put yourself out there in the name of love. But, when you have had enough, you will know. When you know, you'll have the courage to leave. If you're feeling stuck in a relationship and know you should leave, what is one thing you can start doing?

 

Janet Ong Zimmerman

11 Phrases A Narcissist Would Say To Their Partner If They Were Actually Being Honest

 

You might not want to know what your narcissistic partner really thinks of you, but you probably should.

One of the most damaging aspects of a narcissist is their unbelievable talent for lying. As masters of twisting the truth, these individuals will truly have their partners believing they have only the purest intentions. Unfortunately for their partners, this is all an act, as narcissists don't feel empathy, let alone care about anyone outside of their own selfish desires.

One can't help but wonder what a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest. Would they truly admit to never loving or caring for their partner? Though their partner will likely never get the answers that they seek, there are some common things a narcissist would have said to their partner if they were upfront with them from the beginning.

These are 11 phrases a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest

1. 'I don't love you, I love controlling you'

The first phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't love you, I love controlling you." The first thing people should know about narcissists is that they'll always put themselves first. As a result, it's hard for any narcissist to love anyone themselves.

 Ericksonian hypnotherapist Elinor Greenberg Ph.D. explained, "They are not in love with the real you. They have fallen in love with their own carefully constructed fantasy about you."

 Unfortunately, when this fantasy falls apart, a narcissist will slowly begin to shift gears and become bored or straight-up toxic with their partner. She continued to share that a narcissist will abandon their partner in search of the perfect partner that fits into their standard of perfection. However, if a narcissist knows they can control their partner, then they'll do their best to mold their partner into their ideal of perfection, causing them to become more and more controlling under the guise of 'loving their partner so much.'

 As Greenberg explained, "When your narcissistic lover discovers that you do not perfectly embody everything that he or she ever wanted in a partner, the construction project begins." And if their partner refuses to play along? Well, good luck. 

 2. 'I only care when it's convenient for me'

There's probably no worse feeling than feeling used by someone. From friends who only use people when they're feeling down to coworkers who abuse their hard work ethic and use it to their advantage, nobody likes to feel taken advantage of. Unfortunately, narcissists are masters at using others.

 Now, they'll never outright say, "Look at me, I don't truly care about you." However, deep down inside most people know when someone else is using them. From the sweet words they utter to the transition of, "So, I need a favor," people can tell when their loved one is being insincere.

 So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I only care when it's convenient to me." Let's face it: narcissists don't care. Marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT said it perfectly, writing, "Grandiose narcissists sacrifice getting along to get ahead, while partners of narcissists sacrifice themselves to get along."

 Though it might be hard for people to tell when they're being manipulated, there is one thing everyone should know: a narcissist's demands are never-ending. So, if a partner is hoping that their narcissistic partner will ever change, know that only caring when it's convenient will always be a behavior they'll revert back to because, in actuality, that's all they ever wanted from others in the first place.

3. 'I don't want to heal you. I need you to stay broken'

In a healthy relationship, both partners only want one another to be happy and healthy. As a result, they'll encourage one another towards therapy or other healthy outlets. That said, narcissists thrive when their partner is utterly dependent on them. Because of this, narcissists don't aim for their partner to heal or thrive in life. No, they want them to stay where they are — completely broken. So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't want to heal you. I need you to stay broken forever."

Healing in a relationship with a narcissist is nearly impossible. Even the most confident person can be crumbled to ashes with their hurtful words and manipulative tactics.

Psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert, MSW stated, "They can be antagonistic in their interactions with or without provocation. They show no genuine sensitivity or empathy for the other."

Yet, most of their partners wouldn't notice this. She explained narcissist's love to lovebomb in order to get people to fall and stay in love. This leads to complete confusion, causing their partner to never heal and perhaps even get worse.

4. 'I don't need to change; you do'

Everyone has bad habits. Some might emotionally shut down when being confronted by their partner. Others might have a horrible way of expressing themselves, causing their partner to feel frustrated or ignored. Still, If someone truly adores someone then they'll be willing to change for the better.

 Changing behavior is far from easy. Many people will continue to experience failure after failure before they ever succeed. However, as long as they're actively trying to change and hold themselves accountable, even the worst behaviors can be corrected with consistency. A study published in 2012 noted that working on a behavior for two to three months is the best way to make a behavior feel like second nature.

 That said, narcissists don't want to change. Content with their own ways, a narcissist will demand that their partner plays by their rules and changes because everything needs to go their way. But, if a narcissist were to be honest, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't need to change; you do."

5. 'I'll blame you for everything because I don't want to take accountability'

Nobody likes to take accountability. According to Professor Tyler G Okimoto Ph.D., taking accountability actually damages people's self-esteem, which is why most people would prefer to avoid it at all costs. But still, there will always be a moment or a time when taking accountability is a must.

When hurting a friend or most importantly, a partner, people must suck up their pride and apologize sincerely. That being said, narcissists could care less about other people's feelings as a result of their uncaring nature, causing them to avoid accountability at all costs.

After all, despite their pretend confidence, most narcissists are very insecure. As a result, things like shame can make a narcissist feel even more insecure, causing them to place blame on others, explained Lancer.

So, if someone is dating a narcissist, then a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I'll blame you for everything because I don't want to take accountability."

But since a narcissist will never be honest, trust that someone who never owns up and takes accountability is not worth your time. Not only will they never change, but they might just ruin your confidence and self-esteem for their own benefit.

6. 'You're lucky I'm with you'

The next phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "You should be lucky I'm with you." Narcissists aren't called narcissists for no reason. Coming from an ancient Greek myth, the word narcissist is derived from Narcissus, a man who fell in love with his own reflection.

So, most people shouldn't be all that shocked that a narcissist would think highly of themselves. So deranged from reality, most of these individuals can't fathom their partner doing any better, causing them to secretly think these thoughts. That said, there's a difference between someone who's a narcissist and someone who's just full of themselves.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Lancer, "To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the person must exhibit grandiosity (if only in fantasy) and lack of empathy."

As a result, it's unsurprising that narcissist thinks the way they do — not only do they believe in their own self-importance, but they cannot understand others as a whole, causing them to essentially dehumanize them and view them as lesser than themselves.

7. 'I don't respect you, but I need you to believe I do'

Narcissists display a blatant disrespect for others. Truly believing that basic respect and kindness are something earned, not given, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I don't respect you, but I need you to believe I do."

 Despite a narcissist's need to feel respected, they truly don't care if others receive that same respect back. According to a study published in 2021, romantic partners who want to maintain a grandiose perception of themselves through disparaging others are increasingly more likely to disrespect their partner.

 With this in mind, it's unsurprising that narcissists don't care to respect their partner in the first place. Even if their words promise better behavior, the truth of the matter is that narcissists will only ever change if it benefits them and them only.

8. 'I'll only ever do what I want, and you'll just have to deal with it'

When someone truly loves someone, they're more than willing to put aside their pride in favor of seeing the relationship thrive. Now, is this always easy to do? Absolutely not, most people would much prefer to give into their own selfish desires and ignore the desires of those around them. After all, to sacrifice means to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. But when someone loves their partner, this discomfort is more than worth it.

On the flip side, a narcissist doesn't want to sacrifice. As a result of their selfish nature, narcissists would much prefer to gaslight their partner than cater to their partner's needs. So, if a narcissist could be honest, a phrase a narcissist would say is, "I'll only ever do what I want, and you'll just have to deal with it."

Knowing that this is what's going through their mind can hurt. As much as people say they are quick to cut others off, the narcissist is one of the most captivating and charming people most would ever meet. Still, staying with someone this selfish will only cause their partners to grow resentful, which according to the Gottman Institute, resentment is classified under contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce.

9. 'I will never change, but I’ll make you believe I can'

If there's one thing a narcissist will always convince their partner of, it's that they have a good side to them that's worth clinging onto. Being a master at flipping from nice to unpleasant, these narcissists will have everyone convinced that they can in fact change. Unfortunately, this is a lie.

And if a narcissist were being honest, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I will never change, but I'll make you believe I can." It's sad, but narcissist depends on their partner's emotional dependency to convince them that they're worth saving.

With fake sincerity in their eyes, they'll swear up and down that they're trying and use questionable examples to solidify their argument. If their partner can see through their manipulation, then they'll know that they're being gaslighted. But if they can't, then this toxic relationship will continue, causing irreversible damage in the long run.

10. 'I'm only staying with you because it benefits me'

Has anyone ever been introduced to a couple only to think to themselves, "Why are they even together?" Well, in the eyes of a narcissist, there are plenty of reasons that they stay in relationships that have little to do with love. From feeling in control to having financial control over someone, narcissists don't need to stay in a relationship because they're in love.

 So, a phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "I'm only staying with you because it benefits me." Of course, a narcissist would never say this outright. Knowing how bad it can look on them, a narcissist would much prefer to play pretend.

 Yet, if there's one thing a narcissist can't hide, it's their obvious behavior. From the way that they smirk to the way they disregard their partner's feelings, a narcissist would constantly show their partner how little they think about them, showcasing how they're only with them because it benefits them.

11. 'Your feelings and thoughts are unimportant to me'

Finally, the last phrase a narcissist would say to their partner if they were actually being honest is, "Your feelings and thoughts are unimportant to me." Narcissists are great at balancing between sweet and their true personality. Not wanting to reveal too much to their partner, they'll play pretend to listen to your thoughts and feelings — even if they secretly don't care.

 For most people who are familiar with the way narcissists operate, this doesn't come as much of a surprise. Despite popular belief, narcissists are actually great at reading people, which is why they know when to listen and when to tune out. So, if someone is wondering if their partner is a narcissist or not they should ask themselves if they believe their feelings are important to their partner.

 If they aren't sure, sitting down and discussing their feelings might be a good idea. If their partner seems attentive and understanding, then they're most likely not a narcissist. However, if they are demeaning and defensive, they either don't care, are narcissists, or just have low emotional intelligence.

15 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy, Even Though You Pretend Everything's Fine

 If these signals sound familiar, your relationship isn't a healthy one.

 My 30s were a decade of unhealthy relationships. These relationships dimmed my light and made me unconscious of the reality of what love was. While I should have known better, it was still hard for me to walk away. 

I've seen this time and time again with women who contact me about their relationship dilemmas and with clients I've coached. If it were easy, more women would leave sooner instead of spending so much time with the wrong guys — and in the wrong relationships.

It's easier to spot if someone else's relationship is healthy or not since you're not involved. When it comes to your relationship, it can be trickier to know because the signs are subtle and can leave you feeling uncertain and second-guessing yourself.

Here are 15 signs your relationship is unhealthy, even though you pretend everything's fine:

1. There is abuse

When your partner is mentally, physically, or emotionally abusive, it is absolutely not a healthy relationship.

2. You make excuses for them

When you are constantly defending or rationalizing your partner's behaviors to friends, family, and most crucially yourself, it is a definite sign the relationship needs help, as reported in the Journal of Family Violence.

3. You wouldn't let your friend be in the kind of relationship you're in

If your best friend were in the kind of relationship you are in, and you would tell her to leave, it is time for you to rethink your relationship.

4. You keep hoping your partner will change

If you keep hoping your partner will change for the better, and they continue the same behaviors or get worse, it is a clear sign of a strained relationship.

5. You only stay because of the kids

Do you find yourself saying or thinking, "I am only with them because we have kids together?" A review of research on Marital conflict and children's functioning shows how "marital conflicts are stressful for children and increase children's aggression and enmeshment in parental disputes," as published in the Journal of Social Development.

6. Your partner feels like a burden

When you don't look forward to seeing or talking to them, it can make the relationship feel like an emotional burden.

7. You have contempt toward your partner

You start thinking, "I am unhappier when I'm with them and at the thought of being with them." The Gottman Institute has proclaimed contempt as a relationship killer.

8. You're suspicious of your partner

Being suspicious of your partner and afraid to confront them about it is a no-win situation.

9. Your partner drains your energy

When you feel drained after spending time with them, you are probably investing much more emotional labor than your partner.

10. Your self-worth is diminishing

Not feeling good about yourself when you are with them is a glaring sign of a relationship that can damage your well-being, as supported by a study of self-esteem and perceived conflict published by the Public Library of Science One Journal.

11. Your gut tells you things are unhealthy

If things don't feel quite right between you, it is usually your intuition letting you know to be careful.

12. You don't feel supported

Healthy relationships are all about mutual care, understanding, and support

13. Your relationship feels superficial

Are you only connecting to your partner on a superficial, or physical level? A healthy relationship has depth in emotion, intimacy, and vulnerability.

14. Your communication has broken down

A study of relationship communication in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that feeling you can talk to your partner openly is at the heart of a relationship.

15. You can't completely be yourself

If you act and behave in a certain way so your partner will like or love you more, you have entered a subservient relationship, not an authentically healthy one.

Note: These scenarios go both ways. For instance, if your partner doesn't feel supported in the relationship, your relationship is unhealthy.

I know how hard it is to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy for you. Yet when you focus on reality, instead of how you want things to be, you will see the relationship more clearly.

Continuing to stay in an unhealthy relationship does not make it easier to walk away. When I left my unhealthy relationships, my love life shifted for the better. So, dare to walk towards something better.

 Janet Ong Zimmerman

Just Started Dating Someone? 11 Reasons Many Relationships Tank At The 3-Month Mark

 

Some countdowns are fun – the ball dropping on New Year's Eve, the countdown to the end of a Friday workday, or the days getting closer to your birthday.

Counting down the average length of a relationship before a breakup is not one of those things.

In fact, many people worry about the 3-month relationship freak-out, where they or the other person could call it quits.

Is there any truth to this 12-week dating boot camp?

What Is the 3-Month Rule in Dating?

While the rule isn't formally written down in any dating bible, it's said to be the “make it or break it” milestone of any relationship.

If you aren't jibing at the 3-month mark, it's the San Andreas Fault Line of a relationship where everything can fall apart, leaving two people shaken.

The root theory of the 3-month dating rule is unknown and obscure, but the universal acceptance of it is real.

Three months is plenty of time to know if you see long-term potential in the relationship.

Three months is short enough that each person can escape without too much heartbreak.

Three months allows each party to experience the thrill of a new relationship with adjustment time built in for the reality of a committed relationship.

It's important to note that there's another 3-month relationship rule at the end of a relationship. In that instance, the rule states you should wait three months to heal after a breakup to be ready for another fishing session in the dating pool.

How Long Do Most Relationships Last?

The skewed data that can answer this question makes dating seem about as exciting as the Mathlete competition in Mean Girls.

For example, one answer to this question was, “Statistics on adult breakup indicate that couples that have been together for longer are less likely to break up.” Is stating the obvious even science?

Do you really want to know after how many months most couples break up?

Statistics show two years and nine months.

However, a lot of factors go into that number.

AGE: Younger demographics tend to have shorter relationships.

GENDER IDENTITY: Same-sex couples are less likely to break up than heterosexual couples. 

CULTURE: People are less pressured to be in committed relationships that lead to marriage, and some people don't like exclusive titles, which could elongate, shorten, or erase the relationship length landscape.

Whether you just met someone, are four months into a relationship, or just passed five months of dating, it's essential to know your average relationship length.

Do you freak out at three months?

Are you always the one doing the dumping? You need to explore those questions.

Why Do Relationships End in 3 Months? 11 Possible Reasons to Watch For

The average length of a relationship before a breakup can be insightful, even looking back at your history, and it's also important to know your partner's dating history to help look for red flags.

1. The “Love Hormone” Dies Down

Oxytocin is produced when we feel a connection with a person, and a new beau floods our body with this “love hormone.”

The newness of a relationship keeps producing the chemical as we explore new activities and intimacy with a new person.

It's the same hormone that bonds women to their babies. In fact, a 2021 research study shows that higher levels of oxytocin in the first months of dating could indicate long-term romance potential.

2. The Drama

Whether you're the Drama Queen or he's the Divo, the initial excitement and boundary-setting can mask some of the more significant concerns, like jealousy or neediness.

Nobody wants to spend their life being scrutinized and cyber-stalked during individual activities. If the drama is relentless or one person thrives off it, there's little hope for long-term love. 

3. The Incompatibility Factor

At times, opposites attract and inspire each other, like vinegar and oil. Other times the mixture can be gasoline and fire. When wondering, “Why do couples break up after three months?” the answer is simple in this case.

The initial attraction that led you each to try new things in the name of impressing each other wears off, and it turns out you might not want to go rock climbing every weekend for the rest of your life.

4. The Dealbreakers

Even the best online profile will only show a person's positive aspects. We are attracted to physical forms, conversation cadence, and the “butterflies” when choosing a dating partner.

Nobody puts on their profile or offers up on the first date that they are a clutter bug and won't change or that they never want to have kids. Previous criminal activity rarely makes it to a Tinder profile. Younger people still need to figure out their dealbreakers, and sometimes you never know how much you simply can't stand your partner’s condescending mother.

5. The “Squirrel!”

Dug, the golden retriever in the Pixar movie Up, was easily distracted by a squirrel, even in mid-conversation. The dating world right now has so many “Squirrel” moments. We are impatient, distracted, and inattentive. You're likely not committed when dating someone in the first three months. That means dating “squirrels” could pop up anytime and cause you to search for greener grass and more attractive squirrels. 

6. The Perfect Man/Woman

Since the hormone-fueled rush of a relationship makes it feel like we've found the right person, we will overlook many things. We can subconsciously fit that square peg into a round hole to meet the demands of our dream guy or girl. 

Eventually, like an ill-fitting pair of shoes, we can either realize that nothing is perfect or move on through the forest looking for Prince Charming. 

7. The Monotony Problem

Getting to know someone should be fun and exciting, and the potential should be there to continue building a relationship for years or even decades to come. If you're bored by date six  (eating at the same restaurant, having the same stale conversations, or becoming intimate without “fireworks”), there's little hope things will get more exciting after three months. 

8. The Mask

We tend to present our best qualities when we first get to know each other. After all, we want them to fall in love with us before they realize we take up all the closets, right? We always look our best, control our emotions, and pursue each other with dogged energy.

That's a hard routine to keep up, and about the 3-month mark, we want to throw away the mask and just be ourselves when we should have just done that in the first place.  

9. The Supply

An eye-opening Pew Research study from 2020 showed that half of all single adults aren't even looking for a relationship.

And 10% more were only looking for casual dates. On top of that, 20% were unsure what they wanted but were open to casual dating or committed relationships. 

That means just 14% of single adults want a relationship to last longer than three months. That's a shallow dating pool. 

10. The Independence Need

Confusion piles on when we aren't opposed to a relationship but still want to remain fierily independent. Suddenly, you must tell someone where you're going, what you're doing, and when you'll be home. 

You have to respect that they want to go to a football game on Sunday when that's your yoga and meditation day. Even the surge of oxytocin isn't always powerful enough to keep independent people together. 

It takes good communication, trust, and understanding mixed with respectful negotiation.

11. The Mirage

Making it past the 3-month rule isn't always a good thing. If one party is being mistreated or outright afraid to be alone, it can be a long-lasting but toxic relationship. 

Fear of starting over or being alone during the holidays can keep us in relationships far past their expiration date.

Avoid the temptation to stay in a relationship that is simply the lesser of two evils.

Breaking up at three months is hard, but it's even harder after 12 months or two years and nine months. 

Final Thoughts

Stop worrying about the 3-month relationship curse and focus more on what you get out of the relationship. Are you respected? Do you make space for each other in your lives? Can you communicate well?

Those things are so much more important than a random timeline that only causes stress and anxiety. If you and your partner are meant to stay together, your relationship will move happily past this arbitrary deadline.

Barrie Davenport

The Top 12 Reasons Why Couples Break Up

 

Many people come to therapy when their relationship is on the brink of collapse. They ask questions like:

·       “Should I have seen this coming?”

·       “Why do I always feel like I’m failing at love? Is it all my fault?”

·       “Is there any way I can stop the ship from sinking?”

     “What does this mean for my future?”

Whether it’s a relatively new relationship or a long-time marriage, breaking up is hard. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows that breakups increase psychological distress and reduce life satisfaction. Often, the negative effects of a breakup can impact one’s mental health for months, even years, after the dissolution.

 After a relationship goes south, it’s important to take stock of what went wrong. This can be done by yourself or with the help of a therapist and it can prevent you from entering a similarly vulnerable situation in the future.

 It’s also important to orient yourself to the common things that lead to breakups. This can help normalize your own situation and perhaps steer you down a better path in the future. Remember, breaking up is a part of life: approximately half of first-time marriages end in divorce and research shows that more than one in three unmarried people between the ages of 18 and 35 years have experienced at least one breakup in the past two years. In other words, this is not just a "you" problem.

 Why Couples Break Up

Here are the top 12 reasons why couples break up, according to scientific research conducted on couples in Britain and published in the journal PLOS-ONE.

 Grew apart

Arguments

Unfaithfulness

Lack of respect

Different interests

Moved

Money problems

Not sharing housework

Difficulties with sex

Domestic violence

Not having children

Drinking/drugs/gambling

Interestingly, the results were relatively consistent for men and women. Both genders cited "growing apart" and "arguments" as the top-two dissolution factors. "Lack of respect" was a more important factor for women than men, as were "money problems," "not sharing household responsibilities," and "domestic violence."

 Other research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that many problems that ultimately led to a divorce (e.g., communication issues, infidelity) were present at the start of the relationship. It’s important to tune into warning signs early and not expect these things to correct themselves on their own.

 It’s also important to keep in mind that, as hard as it may seem, you do heal after a breakup. One study found that divorcing couples reap significant psychological gains from the dissolution of their marriages and that men and women tend to benefit equally.

 “Divorce works,” state the authors. “The evidence suggests that marital dissolution eventually produces a rise in psychological well-being. For those couples who take it, the leap into the dark seems to improve their lives.”

 Conclusion

Breaking up can be an emotionally devastating experience. But it’s important to learn from it. Take time to reflect on what went wrong and what you might be able to do in the future to protect yourself from another letdown. Research suggests that breakups hurt more when couples’ lives are more intertwined (e.g., you live together, you share finances, you have children or pets together, you share the same friend network). Take this into account when you’re ready to explore a new relationship.

Mark Travers Ph.D.

Trusting someone again...

The ending of any relationship is always difficult, but the aftermath of a toxic relationship or a narcissistic relationship can leave you with emotional scars and trauma that you never asked for.

 So much so, that you don't think you'll ever be able to trust someone else in that way with your heart ever again.

 It can be a difficult road in finding your way back to a place of peace, calm, and normality again without feeling constantly triggered.

 Those lingering thoughts, memories, and echos of the things they said and did remain like persistent ghosts that just continue to haunt you.

 The more times passes, the more you begin to realize the truth about what they really did, who they really were, and to the extent they played their hand.

 The realizations about what they did continue to dawn on you, and you feel like you're destined to now be on your own forever because you're now afraid to trust someone again.

 The thing that no one tells you is that quite often you don’t realize the full extent of the damage that someone did to you until much later on.

 Sometimes you don't even realize it until someone else listens to you explaining what happened, and then they're the one to tell you what really happened because they were able to piece everything together that you couldn't see.

 Because when you're in amongst the chaos, you're simply just trying to survive the pain that exists, without even fully understanding or being able to make sense of why the pain exists.

 Maybe the person you were with was just very good at what they did.

 They knew all the right words to say, all the rights things to do, and all the right ways to manipulate you without you even noticing.

 They ended up being such a destructive force in your life that you're left in a state of confusion unable to make sense of who they really were, or what was real and what wasn't.

 This places you in a situation later on where you start questioning your own inner trust mechanisms.

 It’s only later on once you start to look back, dissect, and explain what happened to others that you begin to understand and unpack the real damage, destruction, and lasting trauma that they have caused you.

 I bet if you look back on a relationship that has left you with a degree of trauma, you can now see the small signs or the red flags that you ignored at the time.

 You think to yourself; they seem so obvious now, so how could you have not seen them at the time?

 The simple answer is because you ignored them, and because you didn’t trust yourself.

 You didn’t trust your inner judgement and what your instincts were telling you because over time your manipulator (that's exactly what they were) planted seeds of doubt in your mind that made you begin to doubt your own instincts.

 They made you believe that you couldn’t trust what your inner voice was trying to tell you, maybe they even told you not to listen to it because they knew that you were right, but they wanted to gaslight you into disbelieving what your instincts were trying to tell you so that they weren't found out.

 So instead, you learnt to fight against it, suppress it, and eventually ignore it altogether.

 Your instincts and all of those gut feelings you receive is actually your subconscious mind trying to send you a warning.

 Your subconscious mind is so powerful that it registers and remembers every single traumatic and hurtful event you've ever experienced in your entire life.

 When it senses that you’re in danger it will release an alert to warn you, but if you start ignoring these warnings, you begin the process of starting to distrust yourself; and that's what happened...

 You now need to start the process of healing that scared, vulnerable, person that now lives inside of you.

 You have to stop feeling like you weren’t enough, and you have to stop telling yourself that you were foolish for trusting the wrong person.

 You weren’t foolish!

 You trusted someone in good faith, and they took advantage of that, plain and simple!

 They used your vulnerabilities and your emotions against you.

 You now need to allow yourself time to heal this part of you, because not taking the time to heal this part of you now, will prevent you from being able to have a deep meaningful connection or a healthy relationship with someone else later on, because you’re going to be so scared that if you reveal your true self to another person that it will be used to hurt you.

 In order to heal from this, you have to rebuild and reclaim your self-esteem, your confidence, and your sense of worth.

 It’s only once you’ve rediscovered your self-worth again that you’re then able to once again no longer feel fearful of being vulnerable enough to reveal your true self to another person.

 It’s only once you’ve rediscovered your self-worth again that you can begin to feel confident enough to trust yourself again and listen to what your instincts are trying to tell you.

 Once you begin to trust yourself again, you're then able to be open to trusting someone else again, because you know that you have everything inside of you that you need for you to be okay.

 But you’re going to need give yourself time away from any form of relationship, or rebound in order to get back to this place again.

 Don't even think about any temporary rebound relationship or a promiscuous fling to help sooth the pain; it's the absolute worst thing that you can do!

 In fact, studies have shown that by jumping into rebound relationships or entertaining temporary relationships of any kind, that it significantly increases the amount of time it takes for you to properly heal, and the likelihood of you eventually experience problems in your next long-term relationship is almost all but guaranteed.

 So, take your time to heal properly, because if you try to mask or suppress your trauma and what you're feeling, it’s only going to resurface later on with a much greater ferocity, which means it's going to take you much longer to work through it all and heal from it.

 If you don't take the time now to heal properly, you'll only end up sabotaging what could have been a really healthy and beautiful new relationship later on.

 Reclaim who you are again by giving yourself the gift of time.

 Reclaim who you are again by learning to trust yourself again.

 Yes, it’s going to be a process and it’s definitely going to be a journey for you, but it’s absolutely one worth taking, because the person you become will be completely unrecognizable compared to that scared, vulnerable person that currently resides inside of you.

 And remember, the real version of you will always be so beautiful to the right person even with your scars, and the right person won’t ever take advantage of that or use that or who you are against you.

 

Mark Smith -The Super Powered Mind

Winter Skin Hacks for Glowing, Supple Skin!

 

The air’s dry, the wind’s bracing, and our body’s largest organ (our skin!) is suffering! What can we do (besides drinking LOTS of water) to keep our skin healthy and hydrated during dry winter months? We’ve got you covered.

Be proactive

Stop dry, itchy skin in its tracks by running a humidifier in your home, especially in the rooms you spend the most time in. (Your bedroom is a good start!) This maximizes moisture in the air and helps your skin stay hydrated. Another way to get ahead of the dryness game? Swap out your beauty routine for the season—putting products with (drying) alcohol to the side during the winter and using heavier, more nourishing lotions and creams during the winter. For best results, apply your lotion right after the shower while your skin is still damp.

Using Face Oils

Dermatologists say face oils can improve hydration, aid in anti-aging and provide healing properties for your skin. They help seal the outer layer and prevent water loss. Adding a few drops of oil to your moisturizer or serum can help the benefits be “locked in” to the skin. If you suffer from dry skin, an oil could be your new best friend. As with anything, start slow, by applying 1-2 times per week to ensure it doesn’t induce a breakout.

Shower smarter

When it’s cold out, it’s easy to turn that faucet all the way up to as hot as we can possibly stand, but all you’re really doing is creating cracks in the surface of your skin, Dr. Purvisha Patel, board-certified dermatologist, told HuffPost. “Hot water evaporates fast, and if the skin is not immediately moisturized, the cracks in the skin let the skin nerves get exposed to air, resulting in what feels like lots of paper cuts and eczema, or ‘winter’s itch,” Patel explained.
Keep that water temp down low, and baby your skin with a gentle, paraben-free shower gel.

Exfoliate less

Typically, skin experts recommend exfoliating once a week (this speeds up skin regeneration and helps products penetrate your skin more easily), but in the winter, less is more. “Certainly, you’re going to exfoliate less than you would normally, because your skin barrier is going to be a little bit compromised because of the dryness and cold air,” board-certified dermatologist Dr. Samer Jaber told HuffPost. “If your skin is really, really dry, then you certainly don’t exfoliate.”

Beat the winter blues with some self-care this cold season

 

Tips for the Best Oral Favors

Many people wonder if they are pleasing their partner when it comes to oral sex. There is a lot of information online regarding what makes for good head, but the information changes based on the creator. Do you use fruit, vibrators, or other items to make oral sex good? Hands or no hands? So many questions and so many answers. Here are some simple practices to help build your confidence in the oral sex game. Although we will be focusing on penises, these techniques can be used on the clitoris as well.

Lubrication
First things first: lubrication is key. Don’t be afraid to be generous! Lubrication helps the motion feel smooth and increases pleasure. It also can help your hands and fingers while giving your mouth a break. It’s always nice to have a lubricant on deck. Flavored lubricants can increase saliva and make tastes more pleasant for the performer. Keep in mind, not all flavors and lubricants are safe on the vulva, however, so make sure you check the ingredients and use products that minimize the risk of infection.

Breath
Breath may sound like a strange recommendation, but it’s one of the most important aspects to any physical activity. Pay attention to your inhale and exhale, especially if you are trying to do activities such as deep throating. Having control of your breath helps you control over your stamina and depth while giving oral sex. Holding your breath will tire you out and decrease your ability to maintain saliva and rhythm. Practicing Kundalini and other forms of yogic breaths can definitely increase your head game.

Rhythm
A nice flow and pace helps keep you relaxed. Some people play music or silently sing songs to help them maintain a rhythm. I learned from my music teacher that we all have rhythm based on the beat of our heart, so creating a motion that maintains a tempo really helps. Just like with an instrument, practice makes perfect. Don’t be afraid to practice on a willing partner.

Creativity and Variety
Once you have your tempo, don’t be afraid to create variety. Use your tongue and hands. Try various types of pressure and suction so that the body and mind don’t get bored with one movement. Variety keeps eroticism flowing. If you feel inspired to incorporate fruits and other edibles, keep in mind that penises have a lot of flexibility in this area, but vulvas have some limitations. Sugary items can harm the pH balance on many vulvas, so use caution in incorporating edibles. For vulvas, I recommend incorporating vibrators and other toys. Vibrators can be a great addition for penises too. The tip of the penis and clitoris are very sensitive spots, but don’t forget about the rest of the vulva, shaft, and testicles. They all enjoy attention. Try different environments. Maybe surprise your partner outside of the bedroom. Use your imagination!

Sounds and Eye Contact
People like to feel desired. Moaning and making occasional eye contact can help someone feel connected to the experience. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that you like their taste or smell. Compliments while giving head can increase confidence and comfort of the receiver. Even if your rhythm is off, giving subtle gazes and noises can make someone feel like a million bucks.

Have Fun
Most people want to feel like their partner is enjoying themselves. There is nothing worse than receiving oral sex from someone who doesn’t really want to give it. Showing enthusiasm and enjoying your partner’s presence intensifies the experience for everyone involved.

Communication
Lastly, I cannot emphasize the importance of communication. Everyone likes different things, and what turns one person on can be the very thing that turns the next off. Feel free to ask prior, during, and after what your partner enjoys and what they would like for you to keep doing. The conversation is forever evolving. Again, have fun and find pleasure pleasuring your partner.

by Renée Burwell