How old are you?
Woman A: 34.
Woman B: 25.
Man A: 29.
How long have you been polyamorous?
Woman A: Almost
eight years.
Woman B: I don’t
necessarily identify as polyamorous. I am open to poly relationships but do not
actively seek them out.
Man A: A year and
a half.
What made you want to
try polyamory?
Woman A: I have
always had difficulties in monogamous relationships. I get bored of people
quickly and was a serial dater until I found out that dating multiple people at
once ethically was an option.
Woman B: When I
was in college, I needed to break out of socially constructed norms to really
figure out who I was. I had oppressed my gayness without really being aware of
it because of my family and community. I used college to begin to break these
chains and redefine myself. One of the men just outside my social circle was
poly and had a long-distance boyfriend. We hit it off as he helped me through a
traumatic college sexual assault. I had always been curious and felt a
low-commitment romantic relationship could help me, my confidence, and reclaim
my body.
Man A: I was
entering a relationship with a poly woman with the hopes of monogamy at first,
but per her suggestion, I read books like The Ethical Slut and More Than Two: A
Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and thought, Hey, I’ll give it a try too.
We both made promises of primary partnership to one another and vows of open
communication.
Are you in a
polyamorous relationship now?
Woman A: Yes.
Woman B: No, but
I wouldn’t be surprised if my relationship evolved to be poly in the future. We
have discussed what that would look like, what rules we’d have in place, and
why it could be desired.
Man A: No.
What does your
relationship look like?
Woman A: I am married and have a child with my husband. I
have a boyfriend, who I’ve been with for five years, and he along with my
husband are the people I would consult about big life decisions. My husband has
a long-term girlfriend. We both have had other relationships during our
marriage but currently we each have one additional partner. We don’t share
partners or date as a couple.
Woman B: My past
poly relationship was with a trans man who had a long-distance, long-term
relationship with his boyfriend back home. At school, he was looking for
companionship, especially since our college had isolated him from his friends
and class because of his gender identity. We built a friendship that turned
romantic. When we started a relationship romantically, we made ground rules and
opened up true communication.
Man A: In my
previous poly relationship, she was far more experienced in polyamory than I
was, so she kind of became the arbiter of right and wrong. It was pretty simple
at first. Communication was everything and it flourished. She was seeing two
other men. One of the relationships was serious, the other not as much. I was
seeing a couple of other women as well, but the consensus was that we were each
other’s primary partner. I told her about the people I was seeing and she told
me about the people she was seeing.
Do you have any rules
you never break in your relationships?
Woman A: My
husband and I agreed to have children with only each other. That’s the only big
one.
Woman B: Most of
our rules revolved around complete honesty. We both were able to do as we
wished with whomever but had to tell the other person before if possible. So if
a crush or tension grew with another person, we would discuss it. It was
refreshing to regularly discuss the very normal attractions that happen in an
environment like a small college campus. Another rule was his boyfriend was his
first priority. I was perfectly happy knowing that there were no long-term
expectations. I also remember we did not text other love interests or
partners while we were together. It was important for me to get quality time,
so my then-boyfriend would tell his boyfriend beforehand that it was a night
for me and the same would happen when his boyfriend came to visit. Clear
boundaries are important.
Man A: We
basically had three rules. We had to tell each other whenever we were going on
a date with a new person. We should always be checking in with one another as
to how things made us feel. And people we were dating had to know we were poly
and already had a primary partner. But it seemed like new rules kept popping up
with each little indiscretion, which was fine because something as difficult as
a successful poly relationship requires a certain malleability.
Do your partners
interact with each other at all?
Woman A: My
husband and my boyfriend consider each other family. I don’t think they’d be
friends outside of me, but they get along and text each other terrible dad
jokes I hate. I text my husband’s girlfriend primarily for scheduling issues
but we get along.
“When you like and
respect someone, having other people on your team who like and respect them is
refreshing and helpful.”
Woman B: Yes, his
boyfriend came to his house with him a couple of times. We would still be
intimate when he was around when saying hello and goodbye. It was a little
awkward the first time, but we got used to it—and when you like and respect
someone, having other people on your team who like and respect them is
refreshing and helpful if you can build that rapport.
Man A: I met the
guy she was serious with and he seemed cool. He was totally different from me,
which surprisingly made me feel happy. My partner never met anyone I was with.
How do you deal with
jealousy?
Woman A: Talking.
Lots of talking. I’m not a super-jealous person to begin with, but when it
comes up, talking it out with my partners helps.
Woman B: I mostly
experienced jealousy coming from my then-boyfriend’s
friends. I believe a couple of them were interested in
him and were mad when
I came into the picture. We didn’t deal with it and it was a
part of the reason we stopped.
Man A:
Historically, I am not a jealous person, but when I met the other man my
partner was serious with, I thought I might be. He sounded
more worldly and more successful. When we met, I was surprised I wasn’t jealous at
all. I found he was providing things to her that I never could. I can’t and don’t want to
be everything to someone. What made me jealous, though, was when she started seeing
people more casually and bringing more people into the fray. “I can’t and don’t want
to be everything to someone.”
What about STIs?
Woman A: Safe-sex
practices for all concerned and regular tests.
Woman B: It was
never an issue. Both of them were tested before I entered into the dynamic.
Man A: Our rule
was safe sex with everyone else and regular screenings. It did become something
I worried about, though, at the end of our relationship as trust was starting
to diminish.
What do you like most
about being poly?
Woman A: Having
more people to lean on. I had a very high-risk pregnancy and was on bed rest
for the last several weeks. My husband worked a job that could not be done from
home but my boyfriend could, so my boyfriend worked from my house so someone
was in the house with me in case I needed medical attention. I laid on my couch
and watched Brooklyn 99 while he worked on his laptop and kept my water glass
filled. It helped so much and made my husband much less worried knowing someone
who cared for me was there.
Woman B: I really
appreciated being able to determine the level of commitment I was capable of at
the time and having that as okay. I also loved that there wasnever any marriage
or long-term talk. Having clear boundaries and expectations put me at ease and
enabled me to grow and change. Overall, poly to me was the freedom to follow my
gut and heart as well as discover more sides of me I hadn’t seen before.
Man A: I liked
the open line of communication. In a lot of ways, it was the most communicative
and open I’d ever been with someone. I had always struggled with telling my
true feelings with prior relationships and that was sometimes their downfall.
What are the hardest
parts of being poly?
Woman A: Managing
multiple schedules. Seriously. Organizing trips and date nights and time
together is a pain!
Woman B: I feel
like it works best when you have high self-confidence and self-assurance and
trust those around you—therefore, any faltering in confidence or self-assurance
is challenging. Also, being honest with your partner about internal thoughts is
hard—it takes time and practice to build strong communication.
Man A: Broadly, I
would also have to say the communication. I would get comfortable with how
things were and I wouldn’t tell my partner something and vice versa and it
would blow up. Personally, though, I just got stretched thin. As a partner, I
didn’t feel like I was giving anyone their fair share.
How has being poly
changed your sex life?
Woman A: It’s
probably improved it. When I am feeling affectionate toward one partner, it
often bleeds into how I feel about others. And I get to have lots of different
kinds of sex that I wouldn’t necessarily with only one partner.
Woman B: Before
my poly relationship, I was semi-closeted and unsure of my sexual identity.
After my poly relationship, I came out as a lesbian. My poly relationship gave
me the space to try out new things (and body parts) and feel confident in
myself. For me, my poly relationship was intimately tied to the LGBTQ+ aspect
of the relationship.
Man A: I was
definitely having more sex, but it was probably one of the more difficult parts
of poly for me. My sexual energy and pleasure resides so fully in my head. If I
was thinking at all about one of my other partners, I wasn’t going to be
enjoying the sex I was having. And then I could not easily transition into
another sexual relationship with my other partners. I almost needed a buffer
period.
Do your monogamous
family and friends know you’re poly? How did they react when they found out?
Woman A: Yes, I
had a big, dramatic coming-out post on Facebook a few years ago after my
daughter was born. We decided to come out because we don’t believe in lying to
our daughter. I didn’t want my child responsible for keeping her parents’
relationships a secret or accidentally outing her father and me. Most of our
friends already knew and were fine. Family-wise, some people took it harder
than others and there were some negative reactions but overall it went“ I
didn’t want my child responsible for keeping her parents’ relationships a
secret or accidentally outing her father and me.”t well and we didn’t lose any
friendships or family.
Woman B: Yes,
people were quite surprised. I think they spent more time processing that I was
dating a trans man than the poly aspect because they didn’t understand the
identity at all. They didn’t understand why I would want to date someone who is
dating someone else and prioritizes them, but they also didn’t know the trauma
that had occurred. They also still haven’t accepted the fact that I am gay.
Man A: Oh, yeah,
everyone knew. I wasn’t shy. There was a feeling from them that it was a phase
I was going through. Maybe it was. I certainly gleaned a lot from it and take
things I liked about it into monogamous relationships now.
When do you tell
potential partners that you’re polyamorous?
Woman A: Before
any actual date happens.
Woman B: When we
discuss dating history, I share my experience and say I am open to it in the
future.
Man A: I think
the only ethical way to tell someone you are poly is to do it right away. It
needs to be part of their whole picture when they are developing their
attraction toward you. Otherwise, it’s disingenuous.
Can you imagine
yourself being monogamous in the future?
Woman A: I am in
two relationships right now that I want to be in for the rest of my life, so
no. I cannot see myself being monogamous again. All the best parts of monogamy,
I have with multiple folks now.“All the best parts of monogamy, I have with
multiple folks now.”
Woman B: I
currently am happily monogamous. I do feel like more of my needs would be met
with poly because one person cannot fill all of them, but it isn’t something I
think about or feel often.
Man A: Yes, I am
right now. I guess the better question for me is, “Can I imagine myself being
poly in the future?” Right now, no. It’s not that I’m a huge proponent of
monogamy—if anything, I believe in a polyamory over a lifetime in which I love,
I mean really love, several women over the course of my life through the vessel
of monogamy.
Do you have any
advice for Cosmo readers who might be thinking about becoming polyamorous?
Woman A: Talk.
Talk. Talk. Healthy, open relationships aren’t done in secrecy. Healthy, open
relationships require talking and honesty and care, like any other relationship.
Woman B: For
anyone interested in entering into a poly relationship, I would do a
self-assessment and couples assessment first to ensure everyone feels
comfortable and confident and everyone is being honest in the current
relationship. Sometimes people enter into poly relationships when they are
vulnerable, causing bad feelings like jealousy and frustration, which
ultimately leads to the collapse of the relationship.
“Healthy, open
relationships aren’t done in secrecy.”
Ask yourself, have you been open and honest with your
partner (or will you be able to be with future partners) about feelings of
attraction, jealousy, or any relational problems? Poly relationships, more than
mono, are built upon open communication, trust, and honesty. It is essential. I
would also do some work to figure out what to do when bad feelings come up
either together, as a group, or personally depending on the dynamic.
Man A: Be
careful, but it can be very rewarding. I’ve never communicated better and it
was wonderful meeting all these new, beautiful people while still being in a
strong, committed relationship. But, and this was the case for me, a lot of
times I hopped into new relationships hoping they would be the missing piece,
but they weren’t. They might be for a time, but the missing piece is always
inside me.
By Cosmopolitan
